Friday, November 17, 2006

Dearly Beloved

I hate to admit it, but hat tip to Charlie Sykes for this story.

Prosecution of a Douglas County case involving alleged sexual contact with a dead deer may hinge on the legal definition of the word “animal.”

Bryan James Hathaway, 20, of Superior faces a misdemeanor charge of sexual gratification with an animal. He is accused of having sex with a dead deer he saw beside Stinson Avenue on Oct. 11.

A motion filed last week by his attorney, Public Defender Fredric Anderson, argued that since the deer was dead, it was not considered an animal and the charge should be dismissed.

“The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass,” Anderson wrote.

Add this to the litany of slippery slope issues surrounding gay marriage. I’m sure James Dobson, his carnival sidekick, Pat Robertson and the mutant woman, Ann Coulter, would agree it’s a natural progression.

My favorite part was this comment from the judge, Michael Lucci: “I’m a little surprised this issue hasn’t been tackled before in another case.”

Uh, you know something we don’t judge?

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Mindless Automaton and Friends Return

Local pundits share their views on Tom Tomorrow.

-- Working for Change

Get Off Your Phone

Having dodged two people today who were chatting on their cell phones when they decided to make lane switches without using signal lights, I’m all in favor of this.

Glendale - This city has passed an ordinance, believed to be the first of its kind in the metro area, that will allow police to ticket people who are yakking on their cell phones if they are involved in an accident or stopped for another violation.

It all resulted from a drive to work along Good Hope Road about three weeks ago by Frederick "Rip" McManus, whose wife, Cindy, is a member of the Glendale Common Council.

Within the space of just a couple of blocks, he saw an accident and a near accident involving drivers talking on cell phones.

Joke for the Day

50th Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary at their local church's marriage marathon. The minister knew this and asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

Brother Ralph replied to the audience:

"Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister asked where they took trips.

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.

"The minister said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands. Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph said, "I'm going to go get her."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Aren't You a Little Old to be Playing With Dolls

This is funny … I’m waiting for Jessica McBride: “I don’t care if Muslim kids receive one of these dolls, when was the last time they ever attended church?” Anyway, from Los Angeles:

A company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said it was surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves’ Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4,000 of the talking dolls.

“I believe as a churchgoing person, anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible,” said Michael La Roe, director of business development for Valencia-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. and its one2believe division, which makes the line of Bible
character dolls.

Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Va., said the offer was turned down because Toys for Tots doesn’t know anything about the religious affiliations of the children who receive its gifts.

Anne Quimby Mathias was quick to jump into the fray. She says she is not really offended by the donation, but offers this Christmas morning scene:

… some poor little poor kid, excited to open what is likely one of a very few presents. He’s hoping for a Tonka truck, football, maybe a GI Joe or Spiderman action figure…and he gets the One Foot Talking Jesus Doll.

The horror.

Meanwhile, this post title at Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy caught my attention: “Why Do Our Troops Hate Christmas.” Bill O’Reilly was too slow.

I for one have no problem with the doll as long as equal representation is ensured. I have a view gift ideas for the holiday season. For instance, we should not forget those touched by his noodly appendage, the followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His dolly could spout the abridged version of the FSM’s Eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts.”

  1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness.
  2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others.
  3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay?
  4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity.
  5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
  6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick): Ending Poverty, Curing Diseases, Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable.
  7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
  8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas.

The beloved Buddy Christ could be distributed by Marines to not only tots, but to Iraqis suspected of pissing the Marines off.

Lastly, to celebrate the inevitable third coming of Tom Reynolds into Wisconsin politics, there is the cute “Tom as Jesus” doll. All you have to do to get the doll talk is push a button on the dolls butt. A lawyer pops out and says one of these three timely phrases:

  1. Thou shalt not make fun of me.
  2. Thou shalt not spake the address of my print shop in vain.
  3. Hav you herd the wurd of my campaign manerger, Boob?