Friday, February 24, 2006

Men and Uptight Women

PIERRE, S.D. - South Dakota lawmakers approved a ban on nearly all abortions Friday, setting up a deliberate frontal assault on Roe v. Wade at a time when some activists see the U.S. Supreme Court as more willing than ever to overturn the 33-year-old decision.
Republican Gov. Mike Rounds said he was inclined to sign the bill, because of one person, Harriet Shrub.

Ms. Shrub, 35, is the president of the Alpha Beta Gamma Center, a Sioux Falls pregnancy counseling agency that tries to steer women away from abortion. She said that most abortions performed in South Dakota do not stem from rape or even failed contraception, but are simply “conveniences.” When asked how Ms. Shrub knew this, she admitted that she had never been raped and so, consequently, it must be true of others. And since she had never had sex – she was waiting for the right man – it was difficult for her to believe that others couldn’t do the same as she.

Shrub, who is incredibly ugly, did admit that she had two encounters late at night with, what she believed, were stalkers, but they ran away before she could scream for help. One was later found with his eyes ripped out, apparently self inflicted. The other man was never found, though there is doubt he ever existed.

Shrub also said she believes most South Dakota women want the state to ban abortion, and many who have had abortions “wish someone would have stopped them.” At this point, twenty-five male legislators rushed out of the room. It was later determined that the men had become violently ill at the thought of copulating with Ms. Shrub.

So violently ill, in fact, that an exception to the abortion ban was added later…stipulating that a mandatory abortion was to be performed in the highly unlikely event that Ms. Shrub ever became pregnant.

Planned Parenthood spokesperson, Jill Cando, said this was typical of men. "They can’t make up their minds," she said. "On the one hand they want to ban abortions and on the other hand"…at this point, Ms. Cando stopped, put her hand to her mouth, and burst into laughter. With tears rolling down her face, Ms. Cando quickly exited.

0 Swings of the bat: