Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Aren't You a Little Old to be Playing With Dolls

This is funny … I’m waiting for Jessica McBride: “I don’t care if Muslim kids receive one of these dolls, when was the last time they ever attended church?” Anyway, from Los Angeles:

A company that sells Bible-quoting Jesus dolls said it was surprised and disappointed that the Marine Reserves’ Toys for Tots program turned down its offer to donate 4,000 of the talking dolls.

“I believe as a churchgoing person, anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible,” said Michael La Roe, director of business development for Valencia-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. and its one2believe division, which makes the line of Bible
character dolls.

Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Va., said the offer was turned down because Toys for Tots doesn’t know anything about the religious affiliations of the children who receive its gifts.

Anne Quimby Mathias was quick to jump into the fray. She says she is not really offended by the donation, but offers this Christmas morning scene:

… some poor little poor kid, excited to open what is likely one of a very few presents. He’s hoping for a Tonka truck, football, maybe a GI Joe or Spiderman action figure…and he gets the One Foot Talking Jesus Doll.

The horror.

Meanwhile, this post title at Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy caught my attention: “Why Do Our Troops Hate Christmas.” Bill O’Reilly was too slow.

I for one have no problem with the doll as long as equal representation is ensured. I have a view gift ideas for the holiday season. For instance, we should not forget those touched by his noodly appendage, the followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. His dolly could spout the abridged version of the FSM’s Eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts.”

  1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness.
  2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others.
  3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay?
  4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity.
  5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
  6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick): Ending Poverty, Curing Diseases, Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable.
  7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
  8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas.

The beloved Buddy Christ could be distributed by Marines to not only tots, but to Iraqis suspected of pissing the Marines off.

Lastly, to celebrate the inevitable third coming of Tom Reynolds into Wisconsin politics, there is the cute “Tom as Jesus” doll. All you have to do to get the doll talk is push a button on the dolls butt. A lawyer pops out and says one of these three timely phrases:

  1. Thou shalt not make fun of me.
  2. Thou shalt not spake the address of my print shop in vain.
  3. Hav you herd the wurd of my campaign manerger, Boob?

0 Swings of the bat: