The Dark and Stormy Night Happened Thursday

I couldn't sleep very well last night because of a dream I was having. My wife woke me up because of my tossing and turning and asked what the matter was. I told her my dream.

I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard strange noises. Not the same kind of strange noises our goofy dogs make, but different ... faint screaming noises.

I looked over to you. You apparently couldn't hear a thing over your snoring ... sorry. Anyway, you were sound asleep. I quietly got out of bed, opened and closed the door softly and walked into the living room. Max and Molly were nowhere to be seen.

I went into the bathroom, where Max usually sleeps (by the ac duct). He wasn't there either. I softly called to them and heard both of them shuffle into the living room from the kitchen. Both were whimpering softly, which if you know our dogs, is quite a feat. Neither is normally able to speak at anything less than the decibel level of a jet taking off from Mitchell Field.

I patted their heads and walked to the kitchen. I saw that there was a light coming up from the basement. Hmmm, I thought. I know I turned the light off earlier. I listened at the top of the stairs, and heard a chorus of squeaks. It sounded like Ian's gerbils.

You know how two of the five gerbils will get into a little tussle and some complaints will be heard. But the noise was nothing like that. I walked downstairs, turned the corner and peered into the gerbil cages.

The gerbils were thrashing about, not fighting, on their woodchip floor. I took off the cover and reached in to grab one to see what the matter was and it bit me. I looked closer and I saw the reason why ....

Each gerbil had a black “W” branded on its back.

“Oh my god, " I said to myself. "What happened here?”

I looked around and saw nobody, but I noticed that a light was peeking under the door to the laundry room. Leaving the wounded gerbils for a moment, I reached over and grabbed my 4-wood from the golf bag sitting behind the bar, walked to the door and slowly opened it.

I heard some noise ... some grunting. I peeked around the door and over on the other side of the room I saw four shadows thrown up against the wall.

"Who are you?" I asked.

The four figures turned around. They were hideous. They had sloping foreheads, a prominent ridge above their eyebrows and they were very hairy. They looked like what I would suppose neandertals would look like. The scariest thing was each had a "W" seared into their foreheads.

I took a step toward them. I don't know why. I'm really not that brave, especially with just a 4-wood ... now if I had grabbed my 3-iron ....

Anyway, they turned and somehow found a way up the wall and out what I had thought were locked basement windows. In fact, when I ran to the windows, I found they were locked.

I was baffled by their escape, why they were in my basement and why my son's gerbils were branded. I was also baffled by the bags of George W. Bush Quick-Grow Grass Seeds ... Just What Every Liberal Home Owner Needs.

"Where the hell did these come from?" I looked closer at the bags ... three were empty ... and read more of the print: Just plant the day before a heat wave and the grass will grow like magic. Watch in amusement as the liberal has to cut the grass in 95 degree heat.

"Ok. This is very strange."

I walked back upstairs and went back into the bedroom. At this point, you woke me up.

"How did the seeds get there," Kelly asked.

“I don't know. It's funny, though. Just the other day … I’m probably just getting paranoid, I thought I saw one of the local conservative bloggers, his name is Clint, drive by in a truck with a big W painted on its side.”

“Did he have a chubby face with a beard?”

“Yeah.”

As my wife gets out of bed and walks to the windows to open them, she says, “I saw him too. He drove by the meat market across the street a few times. Some guy in a white coat was out there too. He looked like a scientist."

"I can't imagine why a scientist and a conservative would be seen together ... a meat market? That’s weird. There's no meat market across the street."

“Uh. There is now. And, by the way, I think you need to cut the grass again.”